checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
