why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
