Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
