He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
