I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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