just tell him i said nine months
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize