so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I want her autograph on my taint
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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