Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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