So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize