I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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