i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
