It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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