i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
