Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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