bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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