What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
