my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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