he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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