Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize