I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
