Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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