I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize