I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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