Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
