I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
