morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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