I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
