Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
