thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
