when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
