you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
