I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
