Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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