Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
