Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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