i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's official drugs can't kill me
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
