id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
