I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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