Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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