anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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