I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
