I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
