I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
