Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
