You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize