I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
