You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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