You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
