I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
