this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
