i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
