if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
