she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Two words: blizzard sex
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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