Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I supernannyed him into submission
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
