I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize