Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
