Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
