I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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