If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
