A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
