i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
