OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
