i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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