saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
