I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
