finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
