She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
